so tonight i had to go to a dinner party thing for work. it seemed like it would be fun. i knew a few other people going by themselves so i opted to go alone rather than bring a dude. (i’m not really into bringing guy friends to events with me because they inevitably end up thinking i like them as more than a friend. this has happened to me several times, so no more bringing dude friends to gatherings). 

anyways, i show up with one of the other girls who also came alone.

the beautiful dude who never asked for my number… says hi…. and introduces me to a girl he brought. what? ok. weird. but fine. whatever. odd that i talk to him every single day and he has never once mentioned her? yes. odd that she showed up wearing a graphic t to a dinner party? very. (i mean, it was casual…. but she was the only one wearing a t shirt. just saying…) so then i’m thinking.. ah ha. at least i know why he didn’t ask for my number. also, this girl weighs a good 60 pounds more than me… and is very tomboy ish. so then i also determine that i’m not his type. she looks super into sports or something. but then… he starts like laughing and joking and talking to me in front of this girl. WHAT? at first i thought he was just being friendly, but graphic t was just glaring at me non stop. AWKWARD. so i walk off. 

whatever, he was just a very, very good looking dude. meh.

anyways, a while later we all sit down to eat. i’m with a group of coworkers and their spouses. one friend’s husband said, “i noticed you’re not with a guy, are you single?” just making conversation. i say yes. then another coworker says “hey mallory, where’s (insert infamous douche bag’s name here (douche bag’s also a coworker))”. i glare. (apparently more people at work knew about our little fling than i thought). then i look over. in walks douche bag. with… some… girl. and everyone stares at me. waiting for my reaction.  i know i post so much stuff about how retarded he is, how much i hate him, etc. but i guess somewhere along the way i must have developed feelings for him. or perhaps i just believed him on monday when he said that he didn’t have time to date right now. 5 days later and he suddenly has all the time in the world.

at this point i think i stopped eating.
and breathing.
then i realized, i must be mistaken, this girl looks in her upper 30s. perhaps it’s a relative or something?

nope. it was his date. 

for the next three hours he didn’t even make eye contact with me. he came over and talked to everyone at my table but me. i just sat there, dying a little on the inside.

i eventually snuck out and left. on the way out i encountered beautiful dude and his date. they were off to the side so i didn’t bug them to say bye. then beautiful dude yelled at me saying bye and that he would see me in the morning for warrior dash. nothing but glares from  graphic t shirt. how. freaking. confusing. if that’s your girlfriend, you are being entirely too friendly everyday at work with me. and if that’s not your girlfriend, why the hell would you bring her when you knew i would be there? whatever. i hope i don’t run into him tomorrow.

ANYWAYS. i get in my car, start driving home. then i get a text from douche bag:

“no hi? rude”

what the actual fuck!?!?!

dude has a fucking screw loose.

it would be much easier to be over him if i didn’t see him every day, 40 hours a week. and lucky for me, i got to witness him on a date with someone else tonight as well.

what the fuck ever. this sucks. 

never, ever, ever, ever, ever date a coworker.
ever. 

this text conversation just happened between the infamous douche bag and i:

him: come hang out.

me: nope.

him: just as friends?

me: nope.

him: but i really don’t even want to kiss you.

sometimes i think he has a screw loose. also, i think i posted something on my other blog a couple of days ago about his ‘new girl’ being divorced. i jumped the gun! she wasn’t actually even officially divorced until like… yesterday. how do i know this? because she “checked in” to the court house on facebook and said something about it.

a whole new level of classy.

ok, i swear i’m done facebook stalking her now. 

in other news, i have a date next weekend. so why am i even giving this fool the time of day?

when all i did was sit around and smoke weed and work two days a week and not ever wash my hair and spend everyday with a boy i was in love with and stay up all night every night and watch craig ferguson and lay in the grass at the park and do homework in coffee shops and learn and grow and paint at least once a week and drink miller high life daily and take pictures and explore and read read read.

i don’t do any of those things anymore.

i don’t think i ever realized how on top of the world i was at that time.

now im boring and blah and an adult.

that was such a simpler time.

there are parts of it i miss. 

there are parts of it i don’t.

ohhhhh hindsight.

The douche bag tried to randomly make out with me today. TWICE.

I should have kicked him in the balls.

so, i don’t know if i’ve mentioned this or not, but the douche bag that i’ve been talking about is someone i work with. 

(I KNOW I KNOW - not smart to begin with.)

anyways, today one of our other coworkers comes up to him (no one else at work knows that we have ever been more than friends at work) and asks him if she can set him up with someone because she knows this really great girl she wants him to meet.

AND HE IS LIKE “OH OK YEAH SOUNDS GREAT!!!!”

o.u.c.h.

anyways, before i even have time to recover from that bullshit, a random girl comes through the door at my work, with a baby, and goes straight to his office.

weird. 

anyways they are in his office laughing and flirting it up…. WHEN THE KID WANDERS OVER TO MY DESK. NO. NO. NO.

most awkward moment of my life. and the kid wouldn’t leave. so i’m sitting there trying to shoo this baby off and it’s not going anywhere (i’m uh, not a real big fan of most kids). so then they both come over to my desk to laugh and flirt and talk and retrieve the baby. and i’m just sitting there. trying to work. while they are leaning on my desk. 

eventually it got awkward enough that i just shut off my computer and left.

THIS SHIT WOULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME.

i am giving up on the male gender. 

from now on i have my friends, family, and Clem to make me happy.

for the rest of the day i’m laying in bed and eating pizza, ice cream, cake, and watching sex and the city.

:(

from now on the douche bag will be referred to as “DB” because i’m sick of typing out ‘douche bag’ all the time.

anywho, today DB acted like nothing was wrong, while still being his normal asshole-ish self.

and when i left………….. HE GAVE ME A FIST BUMP.

i. have. no. words. 

none.

it started out pretty awful actually because i guess today was the first day of school and my morning commute’s traffic multiplied by 10,000. so, i was extremely late to work. the douche bag was more of a douche bag than ever today. he basically acted like i didn’t exist. he actually didn’t even acknowledge me when he did see me. awesome. it’s pretty cool to sit 5 feet from someone and to have them act like you’re not even there. great!

i feel like carrie and mr. big on sex and the city. all of my friends are sick and tired of hearing about the same douche bag because every time they cheer me up and make me feel better i fall back into the same routine with him. it’s really getting to be terrible.

my promotion at work was really nice. however, tomorrow is my first day doing some of the responsibilities solo and i’m scared to death. i’ve never really had a job where i haven’t been at entry level status. this is a big move up for me, and for my bank account, but i’m terrified. i guess it’s now or never though.

then tonight when i was out having a good time with friends at the baseball game… my ex boyfriend texted me. the last one, who i was with for 3 ish years. so many months ago he broke my heart into a million pieces and i honestly didn’t think there would ever come a day where i didn’t cry again. well it happened. it took A LONG time but it did. for the last several months we haven’t really spoken at all. today he texted me asking if we could get lunch tomorrow and i agreed. ugh. sometimes i think i just like being hurt.